Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Read online

  Table of Contents

  title plate

  Truly Tastless Jokes Three

  Copyright

  Acknowledgment

  Celebrities

  Dead Baby

  Helen Keller

  Polish

  Jewish

  Black

  Italian

  Ethnic Jokes Variegated

  Handicapped

  Even More Jokes for the Blind

  Male Anatomy

  Female Anatomy

  Herpes

  Leper

  Homosexual

  “Mommy, Mommy”

  Religion

  Cruelty to Animals

  Miscellaneous

  Too Tasteless to Be Included in Th...

  Submit Your Own Jokes

  Truly Tasteless Jokes Three

  by

  Blanche Knott

  Ashtonia LLC

  Truly Tasteless Jokes Three

  Copyright © 2011 Blanche Knott

  eBook ISBN 978-0-9833594-2-5

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, internet, or otherwise, without the express written consent of the author.

  All digital rights revert to the author and Ashtonia LLC which holds all rights of publication to this and all electronic eBook editions.

  FIRST E-BOOK EDITION - May 2011

  Published in the United States by Ashtonia LLC

  Web: trulytastelessjokes.com

  eBook Production: Swensonia Inc.

  Original Print Edition appeared as a Ballantine Book, published by The Random House Publishing Group, 1985

  This book is dedicated in true gratitude to the many contributors whose generous spirits and sick minds made it possible.

  For TLD—it’s all his fault.

  Celebrities

  Did you hear about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers?

  —Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.

  —Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.

  —Ted Kennedy’s your chauffeur on the island.

  —You go yachting with Natalie Wood.

  —You have drinks with William Holden.

  —And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids.

  *

  Why does Nancy Reagan always get on top?

  Because Ronnie can only fuck up.

  *

  What’s yellow and sleeps alone?

  Yoko Ono.

  *

  Why can’t Santa Claus have babies?

  He only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney.

  *

  Did you hear Karen Carpenter’s brother’s new song?

  “She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”

  *

  Why is Billie Jean King so good at tennis?

  Because she swings both ways.

  *

  Why does Linda Ronstadt sing so slow?

  Because she has a governor on her.

  *

  What’s grosser than grease on Olivia Newton-John?

  “Come on Eileen.”

  *

  Have you seen Dolly Parton’s new shoes?

  Neither has she.

  *

  What’s the sweat between Dolly Parton’s tits?

  Mountain Dew.

  *

  What’s Dolly Parton’s favorite candy bar?

  Mounds.

  *

  Who is Billie Jean King’s latest corporate sponsor?

  Snap-On Tools of America.

  *

  What kind of car does Renée Richards drive?

  A convertible.

  *

  What’s fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?

  Fidel Castro.

  *

  What’ll it take to reunite the Beatles?

  Three more bullets.

  *

  Did you hear about the Ayatollah Khomeini doll?

  Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.

  *

  Famous Quotes: “You can never be too rich or too thin.”

  —Karen Carpenter

  *

  Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And Clark Gable went to heaven.

  The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn’t there five minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the mistake. In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the pearly gates. As he walked through the portals, he encountered Gable coming out.

  “I’m truly sorry about this, my son,” said the sympathetic pontiff, “but I’ve waited my whole life to kneel at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary.”

  Gable flashed his world-famous grin.

  “Too late, padre,” he said.

  *

  What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?

  Beethoven’s First Movement.

  Dead Baby

  W hat’s small, screams, and can’t turn corners?

  A baby with a spear through it.

  *

  What’s red and has a million holes in it?

  A baby on a bed of nails.

  *

  What’s grosser than 1,000 dead babies stacked one on top of the other?

  One live baby on the bottom trying to eat his way out.

  *

  What’s red and silver and crawls into walls?

  A baby with forks in its eyes.

  *

  What’s red and white and hangs from a tree?

  A baby run over by a snowblower.

  *

  If you fit ten babies in a test tube using La Machine, and you get them out with a straw, how do you put them back together?

  Krazy Glue!

  *

  What’s red and crawls up your leg?

  A homesick abortion.

  *

  What’s more gross than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

  Ripping it off!

  Helen Keller

  How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

  They put extra doorknobs on all the doors.

  *

  How did they punish her when she wouldn’t do her homework?

  They stomped on her Braille books with golf shoes.

  *

  How did they punish her when she really misbehaved?

  They left the plunger in the toilet.

  *

  What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?

  Nothing. She had her mittens on.

  *

  Did you hear about the new Helen Keller disease?

  The clap.

  *

  Or did you hear about the three panelists on To Tell the Truth?

  #1: “My name is Helen Keller.”

  #2: “My name is Helen Keller.”

  #3: “Mnye nnme ithk Hullne Kwuell.”

  Polish

  A polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly, and the girl cried out, “Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!”

  *

  What’s a ski jump?

  A Polish whore.

  *

  What’s a Polish cocktail?

  A glass of water with a booger in it.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who registered for the draft board at the lumber yard?

  *

  Two Poles were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire three times into the air and help would come. So he did, but nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend
Jerzy told him to try a third time.

  “Okay,” said Stanley, “but we’re almost out of arrows.”

  *

  What’s the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball?

  You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

  *

  The Polish couple asked their kid what he wanted for his birthday. He said, “I wanna watch.” So they let him.

  *

  Did you hear about the Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

  He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

  *

  Why do Poles make the best astronauts?

  Because they take up space in school.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head?

  He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

  *

  Why don’t they let Poles swim in the ocean?

  Because they leave a ring.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?

  *

  What did the Pole do when the doctor found sugar in his urine?

  He pissed on his corn flakes.

  *

  How many Poles does it take to paint a house?

  Six thousand and one. One to hold the brush and six thousand to turn the house.

  *

  Why do Polish people have holes in their faces?

  Because when they eat with a fork they always miss their mouths.

  *

  Did you hear about the new football stadium in Warsaw?

  It had to be torn down, because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.

  *

  What happens if a Pole doesn’t pay his garbage bill?

  They stop delivery.

  *

  Polish girl: “Daddy, I lost my virginity.”

  Father: “Did you look under the bed?”

  *

  Know what a “fuckoff” is?

  The tie breaker at a Polish beauty contest.

  *

  Did you hear about the old Polish man who told his children that his only wish was to be buried at sea?

  His two sons drowned digging his grave.

  *

  An Englishman and a Pole are crossing the Sahara when their camel falls ill. It becomes obvious that the animal desperately needs water, but when they finally reach an oasis, the camel refuses to drink. The two men try every way they can think of to get it to drink, but to no avail. Finally the Pole says, “Listen, I’ve got an idea. You stick its head in the water and I’ll suck on his asshole, and we’ll use him as a straw.”

  A few minutes later the Pole says to the Englishman, “Could you lift his head up a bit? I’m only getting mud from the bottom.”

  *

  What’s Polish shishkebab?

  A flaming arrow through a garbage can.

  *

  What was the Pope’s fourth miracle?

  He heeled a dog.

  *

  Why did the Pole flash the Venus de Milo?

  He wanted to expose himself to art.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole whose husband was out shooting craps?

  She didn’t know how to cook them.

  *

  Pole: “Are you Italian?”

  Italian: “Why, yes I am.

  Pole: “Aloha!”

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who went ice fishing?

  He came home with a 200-pound chunk of ice.

  *

  How did the two Poles get hurt raking leaves?

  They fell out of the tree.

  *

  How do two Poles engage in oral sex?

  They stand at opposite ends of the room and yell, “Fuck you!”

  *

  Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?

  So they can see the old Polish navy.

  *

  How do you sink the Polish navy?

  Put it in the water.

  *

  Twelve Poles were about to rape a German girl, and she screamed, “Nein, nein!”

  So three of them left.

  *

  There are two hippies and a Pole walking down the street. The first hippie’s snapping his fingers and saying, “I got rhythm.” The second hippie’s snapping his fingers and humming, “I got rhythm.” They both look over at the Pole, who’s busy snapping his fingers too, and ask, “Hey, do you have rhythm?”

  “No,” says the Pole, “I’ve got a booger on my finger.”

  *

  A pro golfer drove into a filling station in his fancy Cadillac. The Polish pump girl noticed some of his golfing equipment on the front seat, and asked the driver about it. So the golfer good-naturedly explained, “Those are tees—I rest my balls on them when I drive.”

  Geez,” said the Polish girl, “what’ll those Cadillac makers think of next?”

  *

  Did you hear about the Polish girl who thought her period was French Provincial?

  *

  Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?

  Lawrence of Poland.

  *

  What’s a set of matched Polish luggage?

  Two shopping bags from the same store.

  *

  Remember the Polish woman who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?

  She also thought asphalt was a proctological condition and that ping-pong balls were a

  venereal disease from China.

  *

  How come Poles never make Kool-Aid?

  They can never figure out how to get a quart of water into the little envelope.

  *

  A 6’8”, 280-pound black man walked into a bar, sat down next to a white guy, and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I loves to fuck white women!” The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar.

  The black moved over next to another white man and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I just loves to fuck white women.” The white guy took one look at him, blanched, and ran out of the bar.

  The black then went over to a Pole who was having a few at the bar and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I loves to fuck white women.”

  The Pole looked at him and said, “I don’t blame you one bit. I wouldn’t fuck a nigger either.”

  *

  Why don’t they give a Polish work crew more than half an hour for lunch?

  They don’t want to have to retrain them.

  *

  What do they do with old garbage trucks?

  Sell them to Poles for campers.

  *

  How do Polish mothers teach their children to put on their underwear?

  Brown in the back, yellow in the front.

  *

  What does a Polish businessman carry in his briefcase?

  Briefs.

  *

  A Polish family is sitting around watching TV and the father leans over to the mother and says, “Let’s send the kids to the S-H-O-W so we can fuck.”

  Jewish

  W hat bites but doesn’t swallow?

  A Jewish girl.

  *

  Do you know how copper wire was invented?

  Two Jews found the same penny.

  *

  What do you call a JAP on a waterbed?

  Lake Placid.

  *

  How does a JAP call her family for dinner?

  “Get in the car, kids!”

  *

  What’s green and hates Jews?

  Snotzies.

  *

  What’s a JAP’s favorite erotic position?

  Bending over the credit cards.

  *

  What’s a Jewish ménage a trois?

  Using both hands to masturbate.

  *

  How was the Grand Canyon formed?

  A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.

  *

  This
Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He’s too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but he never even notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he’s about to come he notices something fall out of her cunt. Picking it up, he reads: “Roth & Stein, Tailors.”

  “Jesus,” he says, “where will those Jews advertise next?”

  *

  Two Jewish woman are talking. Says Sophie, “Oy, have I got a sore throat.”

  “When I have a sore throat I suck on a Lifesaver,” counsels Sadie.

  “Easy for you, you live at the beach.”

  “My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. “She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”

  “My daughter’s a whore too.”

  *