Truly Tasteless Jokes One Read online

  TRULY TASTELESS JOKES

  by

  Blanche Knott

  Ashtonia LLC

  Truly Tasteless Jokes

  © 2011 Blanche Knott

  e-Book ISBN 978-0-9833594-0-1

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, internet, or otherwise, without the express written consent of the author.

  All digital rights revert to the author who holds all rights of publication to this and all electronic editions.

  FIRST KINDLE EDITION - April 2011

  Published in the United States by Ashtonia LLC

  Web: trulytastelessjokes.net

  Digital Typesetting: Swensonia Inc.

  Original Print Edition appeared as a Ballantine Book, published by The Random House Publishing Group, 1982

  Selected jokes from WHAT DO WASPS SAY AFTER SEX? by Matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman, Copyright © 1981 by matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman. Published by St. Martin's Press

  Contents

  Dead Baby

  Helen Keller

  Polish

  Jewish

  WASP

  Black

  Ethnic Jokes-Variegated

  Homosexual

  Handicapped

  Jokes for the Blind

  Religion

  Female Anatomy

  Male Anatomy

  Cruelty to Animals

  Miscellaneous

  Too Tasteless to Be Included in This Book

  Dead Baby

  What does it take to make a dead baby float?

  One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.

  *

  How did the dead baby cross the road?

  Stapled to the chicken.

  *

  What's the difference between unloading a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

  You can use a pitchfork on the dead babies.

  *

  Why do they boil water when a baby's being born?

  So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.

  *

  How do you fit a thousand dead babies in a phone booth?

  Use a blender!

  *

  How do you get them out?

  With a straw!

  *

  What's red and squirms in the corner?

  A baby playing with a razor blade.

  *

  What's blue and squirms in the corner?

  A baby in a baggie.

  *

  What's green and sits in the corner?

  The same baby two weeks later.

  *

  What's red and hangs from the ceiling?

  A baby on a meathook.

  *

  Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?

  So you can watch its expression.

  *

  What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?

  A dead puppy.

  *

  What's red and goes around and around?

  A baby in a garbage disposal.

  *

  What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window?

  A baby in a microwave.

  Helen Keller

  How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

  Reading the waffle iron.

  *

  How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?

  By rearranging the living-room furniture.

  *

  How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

  It was a blind date.

  *

  Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?

  She heard it through the grapevine.

  *

  What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

  She screamed her hands off.

  *

  Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?

  Wind it up and it walks into walls.

  *

  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

  So she can moan with the other.

  *

  Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?

  You would too if your name was Uggggrrrgggh.

  *

  Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

  Her dog was blind, too.

  *

  How did Helen Keller go crazy?

  Trying to read a stucco wall.

  *

  How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

  Answering the iron.

  *

  What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?

  Washed her hands with soap.

  *

  Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?

  Around the Block in Eighty Days

  *

  How does Helen Keller drive?

  With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.

  *

  What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

  Corduroy.

  Polish

  Did you hear that the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?

  As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.

  *

  Did you hear about the new Polish drink?

  Perrier and club soda.

  *

  Why does the Pole always take a dime along on his dates?

  So that if he can't come, he can call.

  *

  Why were the Poles pushing their house down the road in the middle of the winter?

  They were trying to jump-start the furnace.

  *

  A Pole suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements. Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and lover in the act, and, crazed with grief, he put the pistol to his own head.

  “Don't laugh!” he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles. “You're next!”

  *

  “Knock, knock.”

  “Who's there?”

  “Polish burglar.”

  *

  A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which they were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their theory, though, required that a human mate with the ape in order to see what characteristics the progeny would take on. So they put an ad in the paper: “$5000 to Mate with Ape.”

  The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and said he'd be willing to be part of the experiment. “But,” he said, “I have three conditions.”

  The scientists agreed to hear him out.

  “First: My wife must never know.

  “Second: The children must be raised as Catholics.

  “Third: If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested.

  *

  Ever seen the Polish sex manual?

  *

  Why did the Pole spend all night outside the whorehouse?

  He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

  *

  Lick cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so matches are exposed. Stick to forehead. Ask, “What am I?”

  A Polish miner.

  *

  Did you hear about the Polish starlet?

  She went to Hollywood and fucked the writer.

  *

  The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found, to his dismay, that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable fuck dolls, figuring that, given his clientele, no one would know the difference. Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new lovelies, assuring him he was in for an especially good time.


  When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at the fellow and asked, “Well? How'd you like her?”

  “I don't know what happened,” said the customer, shaking his head. “I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window.”

  *

  A stranger walks into a bar and announces to the barman, “Hey, fella! Have I got some terrific Polish jokes for you guys.”

  The bartender leans over to him and says, “Listen, if I were you I’d watch your tongue. The two 250-pound bouncers are Polish, I'm Polish and I ain't no midget, and every man in here is Polish.”

  “Oh, that's okay,” said the stranger cheerfully, “I’ll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y”

  *

  Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low?

  Because you can't jump out of a basement window.

  *

  How can you tell a Polish Peeping Tom?

  (Pull out front of own pants and look down.)

  *

  Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?

  They're handpicked.

  *

  Did you hear about the two Polish hunters?

  They were driving along when they came up to a sign that said “Bear Left,” so they went home.

  *

  Or the Polish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of hunting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and the orange hats and tromped about for hours, but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were carrying braces of pheasant and quail, ducks and geese, even a deer or two.

  “Gee,” said one Pole to his companion, “everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?”

  “I dunno,” said the other. “Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough.”

  *

  What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?

  A tourist.

  *

  Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

  “Well, Doc,” he inquired anxiously, “is he going to make it?”

  “It's tough,” said the doctor. “He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first.”

  *

  A realtor is showing a new property to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behavior. On every landing, the realtor stops to open the window and shout, “Green side up!” Finally, they ask why.

  “I’ve got a Pole laying the sod,” he explains, “and I’ve got to make sure he does it right.”

  *

  Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Poland with Cheerios?

  He sold them as doughnut seeds.

  *

  Did you hear about the Polish car pool?

  They all meet at work.

  *

  How come Poles don't go elephant hunting?

  They get too tired carrying the decoys.

  *

  How come Poles don't become pharmacists?

  They can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter.

  *

  How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?

  The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.

  *

  Did you hear about the Polish bank?

  You bring in a toaster and they give you ten thousand dollars.

  *

  A young Polish girl was hitchhiking along the Interstate, and a big semi pulled over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB addict, and the dashboard boasted an enormous CB radio.

  That's the best radio ever made,” he explained to the bug-eyed girl. “You can talk to people anywhere in the world with it.”

  “No kidding,” she gasped. “Boy, I would really love to talk to my mother in Poland.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland.”

  “Anything?” he asked.

  “Anything,'' she assured him.

  “Well, maybe we can work something out,” he leered, pulling his cock, by this time erect, out of his pants.

  So the girl leaned over, bent down, and said loudly, “HELLO, MOM?”

  *

  What are the three most difficult years for a Pole?

  Second grade.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who had a penis transplant?

  His hand rejected it.

  *

  Two Poles are out fishing for the day, and they have a hell of a time: fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat as full of fish as possible, they decide it's time to head for shore.

  “But listen,'' says Stan, “why don't we mark the spot?”

  “No problem,” says Jerzy, who dives in and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.

  Stan beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. “Oh, no!” he cries to Jerzy, “what if we don't get the same boat?”

  *

  What's this?

  A Polish coke spoon.

  *

  What does a Polish girl do after she sucks cock?

  Spits out the feathers.

  *

  What do Poles wear to weddings?

  Formal bowling shirts.

  *

  Did you hear about the Pole who locked his family in the car?

  He had to get a coathanger to get them out.

  *

  A Pole walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in disgust at the handful of horseshit the Pole is holding.

  “Hey, Harry,” says the Pole, “look what I almost stepped in.”

  *

  A young Polish guy wanted more than anything to become a cop, and went through the rigorous entrance exam, the last question of which was “Who killed Christ?” The would-be rookie went home excitedly and said to his wife, “Honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case!”

  Jewish

  What's the Jewish version of foreplay?

  Half an hour of begging.

  *

  Do you know how to keep Jews out of the country club?

  Let one in, and hell keep the rest out.

  *

  This black guy was walking down the street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something amid the trash that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared. I’ll give you two wishes,” intoned the genie.

  “Far out,” said the black guy. “First, I want to be white, uptight, and out of sight. Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet pussy.”

  So the genie turned him into a tampon.

  The moral of the story: You can't get anything from a Jew without strings attached.

  *

  Why is money green?

  Because the Jews pick it before it's ripe.

  *

  Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?

  Somebody dropped a quarter.

  *

  Why do Jews have such big noses?

  Because air is free.

  *

  What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

  He breaks his nose.

  *

  What's a Jewish dilemma?

  Free ham.

  *

  What's the definition of a queer Jew?

  Someone who likes girls more than money.

  *

  How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?

  Marry her.

  *

  Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.”

  “Force yourself,” she replie
d.

  *

  Why do JAPs use gold diaphragms?

  Their husbands like coming into money.

  *

  What's the difference between karate and judo?

  Karate is a method of self-defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.

  *

  What's the difference between a JAP and poverty?

  Poverty sucks.

  *

  How did they know Jesus was Jewish?

  Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God—and he thought his mother was a virgin.

  *

  How do you tickle a JAP?

  Gucci, Gucci, goo.

  *

  How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb?

  Two. One to call Daddy, and one to get out the Diet Pepsi.

  *

  What do JAPs make for dinner?

  Reservations.

  *

  How does a JAP eat a banana? (This is a visual joke, so pay attention.)

  Pretend you are holding a banana in your right hand. With left hand, peel off the three or four strips of peel about halfway down the banana. Continuing to hold peeled banana in right hand, place left hand behind head. Force head down over banana.

  *

  Why do JAPs wear bikinis?

  To separate the meat from the fish.

  *

  What do you get when you cross a JAP and a hooker?